Several years ago, while I was living in the San Francisco Bay Area of California, I had the unique opportunity to get out and visit a truly sacred area of San Francisco… namely a very special place called Kirby Cove.
Kirby Cove nestles in the foot of the Marin Headlands just west of the Golden Gate Bridge. The steep, mile-long trail down to the cove descends through a grove of eucalyptus, cypress, and pine trees leading to a small beach where one can stand and look out over the waters of both the Pacific Ocean on your right, and San Francisco Bay on your left. In addition, you get a beautiful view of the bridge itself.
I wasn’t there alone. Accompanying me was another Virginia – Virginia Anderson, who goes by “Ginny” and is also known as Freyja in the Pagan Community. I met Ginny when I attended her workshop entitled “Circling San Francisco Bay” at PantheaCon (one of the largest Pagan conferences in the country), in which she talked about the many spiritual places that exist in the Bay Area. Indeed, Kirby Cove is one such place…and it was for this reason that Ginny suggested we go there.
Based upon the positive vibes that I had gotten from her during the P-Con workshop, I had contacted Ginny asking if perhaps we could meet. I was still struggling with some of the issues that had been haunting me since I first arrived in California, and was seeking some healing.
It turns out that Ginny is an ecopsychologist who holds a Ph.D. in Psychology from Stanford University, and has also taught and counseled at the Institute for Transpersonal Psychology (among other places). Along with such academic credentials, she also taps into a vast knowledge and experience with shamanism, feminist spirituality, meditation and trancework, myth and ritual to help people gain a better understanding of themselves.
Ecopsychology – which also goes by such names as psychoecology, environmental psychology, green therapy, earth-centered therapy, shamanic counseling, and nature-based psychotherapy – is the connecting of psychology and ecology. It bases its concept on the idea that while the human mind is shaped by the modern social world, it can be readily inspired and comforted by the wider, natural world…because this is the arena in which we as human beings originally evolved. Ecopsychology explores the different ways we can link and bond with nature, and the importance of doing so. For this reason, most ecopsychologists take their therapeutic practices out of office buildings and into the open…meeting in woods, parks, gardens, grassy meadows, and the like.
Ecopsychology has to do with the fact that we are more than our separate selves. All life is inter-twined; everything we need comes from the Earth itself – and human beings are an integral part of that web of life. Most peoples’ lives take place in cities, in offices, away from any direct contact with the natural world; any resolution about our place in the scheme of things is only second-hand unless we actually walk on the earth, touch and smell, feel and learn how to experience the web of life directly.
~ Ginny Anderson
It was for this reason that Ginny and I were at Kirby Cove – not merely because it’s a beautiful place to spend a Saturday afternoon; but it was also an important and powerful place to begin a journey of self-exploration…a journey of healing…a journey of experiencing that web of life.
After navigating my way north on Highway 580, over the Richmond-San Rafael bridge, and through the quaint little town of Sausalito, I arrived at Golden Gate Recreational Area, where I met Ginny…who was quite relieved to see me, having worried that I might have gotten lost and ended up on the Golden Gate Bridge heading towards San Francisco (an easy thing to do, if you’re not careful!) It was a blustery, somewhat chilly day so I was happy for the warm, waterproof jacket I had brought along. All bundled up and wearing my hiking boots, with a backpack slung over my shoulder, I joined Ginny in making the trek down to the cove itself.
As we began our hike, I paused to look out over the view, which was gorgeous. Ginny pointed out that the hilly cliffs overseeing Kirby Cove were much like the thighs of the Earth Mother, spread wide open. Parted for what purpose? Maybe to participate in the life-sustaining birthing process…
“Arise and come into me, for I am the soul of nature, who gives life to the universe. From me all things are born, and into me all things must return.”
Or perhaps simply to engage in the ecstatic joy of celebrating one’s sexuality, as a direct expression of the life force…
“Let my worship be in the heart that rejoices; for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals.”
As we continued our journey down to Kirby Cove itself, I found myself fascinated by the rock formations one could see alongside the trail. Ginny explained that these sea cliffs and road cuts can be found all over the Marin Headlands, and are examples of some of the finest exposures of pillow basalt and radiolarian chert to be found anywhere. Millions of years ago, these rocks formed around midocean ridges several thousand miles from the West Coast at the bottom of the sea. The reddish brown radiolarian chert I was looking at actually was formed from the skeletal remains of thousands of tiny microscopic protozoans, which had collected on the seafloor.
There are many lessons that can be taken from studying the rocks…I found myself fascinated by the multiple layers, and comparing them to the multiple layers of myself. Each layer represents a different aspect of myself, a different experience in my life. I am the culmination of all of these different layers, which together create the formation we now see and know as “Ocean.” No one layer exists by itself, but as a meaningful part of the whole…holding up other layers, being held up by others.
Ginny added her own thoughts – that these rocks were all created by tiny microorganisms, but look at the magnificence of what they have created. In the same way, our own magnificent creations are the result of each tiny step that we take, and the culmination of all of those tiny steps. Such creations don’t happen overnight… they take time, much like the creation of these rocks took time. But the results can be truly amazing.
These rocks also served as a reminder of our inter-connectedness with the universe – just as these tiny cells are a part of the earth, so are we:
One way to think about human beings is that we are conscious cells in the body of Mother Earth! So there’s hope for healing the Mother as we heal ourselves and our “cellular” relationship with her.
~ Ginny Anderson
I stuffed my pockets with pieces of radiolarian chert to place on my altar when I return back home, and continued down the trail.
The hike down to the cove was nearly two miles, and the view through the trees as I looked out from the cliffs to the waters beyond was awesome indeed. But it was also a bit frightening. I found myself wondering what I had gotten myself into here, and if I was truly ready to begin this journey, truly willing to commit myself to it.
It’s easy to become narrowly focused in fear about what comes next – personally, for the country, for the whole human race. But as we look around and discover how to live in a caring way on the very planet that feeds, houses, clothes, and entertains us, it can be daunting to try to figure out how to move forward to change any of this.
~ Ginny Anderson
One of the things I had been struggling with was the whole issue of being in California – if this was where I was truly meant to be, and if this was a place I really wanted to stay. As I continued down the sloping path, I felt as if I was descending into the Underworld, taking the journey into the darkness, delving into those layers of myself I wasn’t sure I wanted to examine. The thought of trying to figure out how to move forward, how to make those necessary changes felt very daunting indeed.
Then I noticed something that gave me a sense of peace and comfort: Out of these layers some beautiful yellow flowers were blooming; appearing to spring forth from the very rock itself.
It was a reminder – an affirmation that while the journey can be challenging, and perhaps at times even terrifying…it can also be immensely rewarding. Examining those layers didn’t have to be a negative experience. There was a beauty to be found in delving down into those aspects of myself. And in doing so, I could find my own source of strength and sustenance.
“And those who seek me, know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not, unless you know the mystery…
For if that which you seek you find not within you, surely you shall never find it without.”
The Marin Headlands is the site of a number of historic military fortifications, including bunkers and batteries. Ginny and I stopped to visit one such area along the trail, and she took the opportunity to remind me that one aspect of Kirby Cove’s spiritual significance is that of protection. These fortifications were originally built to protect the Bay Area from possible harm, and while they have ceased to be utilized for such, their energy still resonates to this day. Once again the theme of protection had entered my life. Once again I find myself wondering if I was in need of protection, and if so…from whom? From what?
Ginny led me back to a small outcrop of abandoned military buildings, which have now become cement and metal canvases for colorful works of graffiti. But there was one particular work of art that Ginny especially wanted me to see… which has survived for three decades within one of the rooms of this building. Many of the other works of graffiti have been destroyed through the years – painted over by newer versions. But this one had withstood the test of time. It was a painting of an African elephant, standing facing you…ears flapping and tusks aimed forward.
When I saw it, I gasped in awe. This image looked so much like a vision from a trance I experienced several years ago. A trance in which an African elephant, a rusty brown beast much like this one, appeared before me. Since then, I have come to view the elephant as a spirit guide: symbolizing power and strength, wisdom and success, affection and loyalty.
And now here it was before me once again. What is the message that the elephant was bringing to me? What wisdom and power was I supposed to draw upon, and for what purpose? The elephant often signifies being strong in your own self – and I certainly didn’t feel very strong those days. It also represented an opportunity to help myself reclaim my most primordial power and prestige; to work on building the foundations of a caring, respectful, and wise person. At the moment, this felt like a mighty tall order.
I also found myself fascinated by the word written above this painting…
UNLEARN
Could it be that there were old thoughts, old behaviors, old beliefs, old habits that I must now unlearn? That I must dispel of such in order to move on with my life? That perhaps…instead of listening to my head and all the facts that I have learned over the years, that I must now pay attention to my intuition and seek my answers within that which cannot be learned, but can only be felt?
I was filled with so many questions, and I found myself wondering how I would ever find those answers I was indeed seeking…
Fortunately, the earth itself holds all the answers; our part is to learn how to communicate, how to “hear” what all the forms of life have to tell us, and how to receive the gifts the earth offers to empower us to address the challenges.
~ Ginny Anderson
After spending time with the elephant, Ginny – being the wise crone that she is – could tell that I was indeed searching for some answers to the many questions which kept racing through my brain. She gestured to me to join her under the shade of the trees. I accepted the invitation and sat down next to her on a cushion of dry pine needles, inhaling the resinous scent and grounding myself to the earth beneath me.
Thus began a heart-to-heart conversation in which Ginny and I explored a number of different topics…discussing issues such as determining a sense of personal purpose and ways of living, and then choosing those options which fit in with that sense of purpose and that chosen lifestyle.
I’ve always been a person who believed in having a clear sense of expectations… expectations with people, expectations with situations, expectations with myself. I like knowing where things stand… I like having a sense of where I’m at now and where things are going from here.
But as I sat under that tree, I felt like my whole sense of expectations was clear as mud. I didn’t what to expect… from others, or from myself. And that frustrated the hex out of me. Slowly and gently Ginny began to lead me into an exploration of this issue…
“You’ve made a big personal change, at great emotional and financial expense. What were you expecting that led you to do that, and how explicitly were those expectations defined on either side of the table?”
Ouch. Tough questions, and not easy ones to answer. Yet I knew that exploring the answers to these questions was going to be an integral part of addressing the issues.
What was it that made me say “YES” to moving to California? What in myself was I responding to that allowed me to take such a risk? Was it unhappiness at where I previously was? The possibility of developing new friendships in a new environment? The chance at a daring adventure?
We’re all pretty vulnerable to being cared about… to being appreciated for our talents and abilities – and what we’re hoping for coming out of that may not be clear to ourselves or to others, so knowing your own needs is a very important part of making good choices. Offers may come our way, and if we don’t have a clear sense of personal destiny, or purpose, or goal we could surrender to something that isn’t really on our path.
So where was my path? Where was I supposed to be going… and how was I supposed to get there?
We also discussed some of my issues surrounding anger…the anger which I felt surrounding my move to the Bay Area and the frustration of not seeing things happen the way I anticipated. The anger of feeling a loss of personal power.
The anger of feeling manipulated, or disrespected, or inappreciated, or ignored, or whatever.
And when that sense of anger started to overwhelm me, how could I deal with it? What was bringing up that anger… what was being triggered? If I could sit back and take a good hard look at what gets a rise out of me, then I can start taking control over my own life and I won’t feel so much like a victim, in the grips of other people’s behaviors.
As we got up to continue on our trek down to the cove itself, I couldn’t help noticing several brightly colored orange mushrooms which had sprouted up from the earth floor. From what I could tell, it appeared that this mushroom was of the genus Amanita, a toxic fungus found all over North America, including the Pacific coast. Beautiful… but dangerous. But even poisonous mushrooms can have valuable lessons to teach, as Ginny pointed out:
“Much like the toxins in this mushroom, your anger is the toxin that can be deadly to you and your own sense of happiness and well-being. Anger can be powerful, yes… it can be a motivating factor for making changes in your life. But I sense that your anger and frustration is preventing you from finding your own path.”
As Ginny and I continued our trek down to the Cove itself, my mind was spinning with all the lessons I had been learning along the way…
Lessons about Nature.
Lessons about Re-birthing.
Lessons about Examining Oneself.
Lessons about Fear.
Lessons about Journeying.
Lessons about Protection.
Lessons about Wisdom and Power.
Lessons about Learning and Unlearning.
Lessons about Change.
Lessons about Anger.
Lessons about Life itself.
That’s a lot of lessons to learn on a simple two-mile hike. But as I am fond of saying… Mother Earth is our greatest teacher, and there is so much we can indeed learn from Her, if we would only take a moment to sit and pay attention to what She is telling us.
As we trod along the dirt road, Ginny and I got into a conversation about identity. We talked about how I identified myself as a woman – being both Deaf and Pagan. One of the things that I have been asked on occasion, and have even questioned myself:
Am I a Pagan woman who happens to be deaf… or a Deaf woman who happens to be pagan?
I am both.
I am a Deaf woman.
I am a Pagan woman.
These are both integral parts of myself.
They go together.
Then Ginny added yet another part – looking at me, she smiled and said
“I see you as an adventurous woman!”
Wow. I’m not sure if I would have chosen that adjective on my own, but once Ginny said it, there was something about that description that felt right… felt rather flattering, actually.
Adventurous.
I’m reminded of something that Helen Keller – who was both deaf and blind – once said:
“Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”
Ginny went on to talk about a poem of sorts that she sometimes uses in therapy or in ritual… while she’s uncertain as to its actual origin, from what she can recall, many years ago it ran as a single line along the bottom of the pages of a probably long-defunct pagan magazine, and someone in her coven copied it out this way – maybe adding a word or two. Anyone reading it may have a word pop into her mind that she’d like to see here and add.
The sheer numbers of the descriptive words feel as if they give permission to experience a wide range of feelings and attitudes, and not to be stuck in any of them.
I am a full woman…I am a mighty woman…I am a sensitive woman…I am a strong woman…I am a free woman…I am a caring woman…I am a hopeful woman…I am a creative woman…I am a majical woman…I am a fearless woman…I am a miracle woman…I am a wise woman…I am a live woman…I am a skillful woman…I am a witty woman…I am a healing woman…I am an accepting woman…I am a witch woman…I am an intolerant woman…I am a spiraling woman…I am a worthy woman…I am an expanding woman…I am a vigorous woman…I am a contracting woman…I am a triumphant woman…I am an encouraging woman…I am an orgasmic woman…I am a dreaming woman…I am an independent woman…I am a laughing woman…I am a women-loving woman…I am a crying woman…I am a daughterly woman…I am a sharing woman…I am a conquering woman…I am a musical woman…I am a reliable woman…I am an involved woman…I am an orderly woman…I am a spontaneous woman…I am a jolly woman…I am an assertive woman…I am a confident women…I am a happy woman…I am a serious woman…I am an earth woman…I am a priceless woman…I am a tough woman…I am an open woman…I am a watchful woman…I an a hard woman…I am a pure woman…I am a soft woman…I am a self-identified woman…I am a blessed woman…I am a fair woman…I am a nursing woman…I am a universal woman…I am a fierce woman…I am a visionary woman…I am a traveling woman…I am a critical woman…I am a rising woman…I am an intense woman…I am a shacking woman…I am a delightful woman…I am a patient woman…I am a sisterly woman…I am a revolutionary woman…I am a dying woman…I am a feminist woman…I am a spinning woman…I am a defending woman…I am a fighting woman…I am a flesh and bone and blood woman…I am a protecting woman…I am a simple woman…I am a protected woman…I am a quiet woman…I am a wild woman…I am a sacred woman…I am a proud woman…I am a mature woman…I am a discriminating woman…I am a working woman…I am a growing woman…I am a child woman…I am a sure woman…I am a motherly woman…I am a questioning woman…I am a Goddess woman…I am a courageous woman…I am a harvesting woman…I am a new woman…I am a passionate woman…I am an ancient woman…I am a sympathetic woman…I am a demanding woman…I am a rebellious woman…I am a sexual woman…I am a frowning woman…I am an uppity woman…I am a mad woman…I am a unique woman…I am a sane woman…I am a laboring woman…I am a bold woman…I am a clear woman…I am a delicate woman…I am a particular woman…I am an intuitive woman…I am a rich woman…I am a lonely woman…I am a supportive woman…I am a sad woman…I am an honest woman…I am an unlimited woman…I am a trusting woman…I am a smiling woman…I am a nurturing woman…I am a celeb rating woman…I am a concerned woman…I am an inspired woman…I am an intimate woman…I am a beautiful woman…I am a sensual woman…I am an expressive woman…I am a focused woman…I am a guided woman…I am a wandering woman…I am a merciful woman…I am a raging woman…I am a persistent woman…I am a poetic woman…I am a magnificent woman…I am an effective woman…I am a colorful woman…I am a needy woman…I am a useful woman…I am an evolving woman…I am an embracing woman…I am an indignant woman…I am a gypsy woman…I am a political woman…I am a questing woman…I am an angry woman…I am a newborn woman…I am a friendly woman…I am a radical woman…I am an excited woman…I am a balanced woman…I am a timeless woman…I am a challenged woman…I am a dark woman…I am an ordinary woman…I am a husky woman…I am an extraordinary woman…I am a cautious woman…I am a peaceful woman…I am a generous woman…I am a woman’s woman…I am a reserved woman…I am a powerful woman…I am a solid woman…I am a playful woman…I am a little woman…I am a kind woman…I am a heavy woman…I am a searching woman…I am a cold woman…I am a weaving woman…I am a shy woman…I am a loving woman…I am a disciplined woman…I am a spiritual woman…I am a complete woman…I am a moon woman…I am a flowing woman…I am a dancing woman…I am an able woman…I am a singing woman…I am a psychic woman…I am a joyful woman…I am a humble woman…I am a successful woman…I am a determined woman…I am an responsible woman…I am a great big woman…I am an amazing woman…I am a curious woman…I am a healthy woman…I am a building woman I am a mysterious woman…I am a renewing woman…I am an aggressive woman…I am a changing woman…I am an emotional woman…I am an unshakable woman…I am a destroying woman…I am a willful woman…I am a whimsical woman…I am a learning woman…I am a rejoicing woman…I am a teaching woman…I am a busy woman…I am an important woman…I am a whole woman…I am a gentle woman…I am a believing woman…I am an annoyed woman…I am a matriarchal woman…I am an adult woman…I am a fruitful woman…I am a forceful woman…I am an artist woman…I am a discriminating woman…I am a working woman…I am an adventurous woman…I am a fulfilled woman…I am a seeking woman…I am an adamant woman…I am a shocking woman…I am a clever woman.
As Ginny explains
It was an unusual experience just to type that phrase over and over – “I am a …. woman” and when we’ve used it in ceremony in the coven, it’s been very powerful taking turns and having the words swirl around us.
It was a very powerful experience for me just to read them, and then retype them here in this post.
I think there’s something very powerful in therapy about being able to say something that is like a little pseudopod reaching out from an amoeba; it may be safely retracted, but being able to send out a trial feeling or approach and know it’s not set in stone is very freeing. This collection of possible women has something of that same feeling. During our first coven instructions so many years ago, when we first exchanged “Thou art the Goddess”, it was such an empowering wonder-full thrill that it’s never left me when we still make that exchange. Anything is possible.
~ Ginny Anderson
As we continued to trod down the road to the cove, I began to feel that sense of freedom, that sense of power, that thrill that indeed… anything is possible. Life is indeed a daring adventure, and I was on my own personal adventurous journey.
Finally, after trodding down the dirt road for nearly two miles, having had some enlightening discussions and eye-opening lessons along the way, Ginny and I finally arrive at our destination – Kirby Cove.
Once one arrives at the cove, it’s just a matter of hiking down the steps to get to the beach itself…
And then there I was, standing on the beach looking out over the waves.
Being that my Pagan name is Ocean, it’s not hard to imagine the impact that standing on that beach had for me. Granted, I’m not a big beachcombing fan, but I do have a strong affinity for water, and thus a love for being near lakes, rivers, streams…
and oceans.
Indeed, there was something very spiritual about the place; something rather magickal and mystical. It wasn’t hard to understand how Ginny would have chosen this as one of the sacred sites of the San Francisco Bay Area.
To my left one looks into the bay itself, and can see the Golden Gate Bridge… the famous symbol of San Francisco known around the world.
To my right one sees the cliffs of the Marin Headlands, and the Pacific Ocean beyond…
As I stood on the beach, the waves came up and lapped teasingly at my ankles, as if trying to pull me into the water.
My mind was still thinking about Ginny’s description of me… and suddenly, without even thinking about it, I grabbed a nearby stick and began writing in the sand:
I am an adventurous woman
As I stood back and examined my handwriting, I felt an inner strength. It was as if with this single impulsive act, I was accepting myself… accepting my place in this universe… accepting the journey that had brought me here to this cove.
As I stood on the beach with Ginny, looking out over the waves, a song came to mind… a song which was written by a Pagan musician by the name of Charlie Murphy. I actually met Charlie many years ago – in fact, I interpreted for a concert that he gave in Madison, Wisconsin. At that concert he performed a song called “Mother Ocean”… which he also recorded on an album titled Catch the Fire:
Ohhh Mother Ocean – with your waves of power and grace
Ohhh Mother Ocean – your children have lost their way
And we need you to comfort us – to heal the pain within
And we need you to anchor us – to rock us deep in your love again
To rock us deep in your love.
At the end of this song is a chant, which basically repeats the same line over and over again…
“Ohhh…Mother Ocean Love, Ocean Love, Ocean Love”
As I stood on the beach at Kirby Cove, signing this chant over and over, a wave of peace flowed over me. After watching me for a couple of seconds, Ginny picked up on the simple signs I was using and together we began signing this chant… looking out over the waves as we did so. The chanting and signing continued for several minutes, and when it died down to silence we looked at each other, both of us with tears in our eyes. A long loving hug helped to ground us both and bring us back into the here and now.
The beach at Kirby Cove is strewn with rocks of basalt and chert, which has been pounded into rounded shapes by ocean waters and then cast upon the sand by the waves. Many have interesting designs on them, and I found myself stuffing my backpack with several examples to bring home and place on my altar.
I knew it was now time to leave. I needed to move on… to continue my journey. Picking up the stick once again, I drew a spiral in the sand – one of my favorite shapes. Then arm linked in arm, Ginny and I climbed back up the stairs and left the beach.
I shall return. Exactly when… I’m not sure.
But I know I will be coming back to Kirby Cove again, and when I do…
Mother Ocean will be there waiting.
To comfort me.
To anchor me.
To rock me deep in Her love again.
Pages From the Beach 